A goal!

Alright, I realize that I have a lot on my plate right now. I am a full time student, A full time mother, and a full time employee, all while being pregnant. I have used this excuse too much in my life to not read the scriptures as much as a really want to. I know that I shouldnt even have to set this goal and that I should have been doing this for a long time already, but save the scoldings! I want to read at least a chapter every night. I remember when me and Marcos used to read every night (although he in Spanish and me in English, we made it work some how). I miss it. I know that it is exactly what I need right now as well! I think I might start from the middle of the Book of Mormon this time though. I can pretty much quote 1st Nephi Ch1 by heart from my many attempts at this goal! Maybe all the cool things I got for Marcos from the temple will make it more interesting too! :)

I have no idea.....

So, today I had one of my breakdowns. Well, not really a break down I dont know what you would call it. Basically I supress all my emotions about my mom passing away until I cant take it anymore and I lock myself in my room and just let it all out. I always feel so amazingly better afterwards. I think this one was braught on by me finding out that the expected due date for my new baby is my mom's birthday. It made me feel a mixed emotion of overwhelming sadness and hapiness at the same time. I feel like I need her now more than ever. Not so much to get me through it. I have been pregnant before and she was there to answer all of my gross questions and calm me when I was nervous. I need her now more because I feel so much hapiness about this baby and I want to share it with her. I want her to be there for the birth and to flash the flashlight on my stomach like last time trying to make Katia kick and move away as we all laughed while seeing my stomach look like I had an alien inside me. I want to share my joy with her. As I was crying however (which is hard for me to admit I hate showing and/or telling people about my emotions in general which is probably why they are supressed in the first place and I end up having these crying fits) I felt such comfort. Like she was here, watching over me, telling me that she was going to be there for everything. I love her so much, I miss her and I think about her everyday. Several times a day. I know that she is here with me though. Probably laughing at my stupidity. I am sure the she, my dad, and Marcos' mom all picked out the most special spirit in the world to be sent to us! Now I can't wait to find out if it's a boy or a girl. :)

The Start of A New Life

*sigh* I am beyond happy. Yesterday I found out I was pregnant with #2!!!! I remember freaking out when I found out I was pregnant with Katia. In fact I believe I broke down crying in the bathroom when the test came back positive. This time, however, is nothing but pure joy. I just know how much I love Katia and cant wait for this baby to come and join our family. I think this time around I will enjoy my pregnancy more as well. Just relax more and enjoy it. I may be speaking too soon as well but no morning sickness etc. yet! yay!!!!! I just cant believe there is a little thing inside me. Well more like a little alien or clump of cells at this point. I cant wait for the journey to begin. To hear the first heartbeat, to see the first ultrasound, feel the first butterflies that quickly turn to painful jabs, find out if we are expecting a new little boy or girl, and finally to meet my little baby. I cant wait!!!!!!!!

Poem Jess wrote for mom

Here is a link to other poems jess wrote: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=704175013&ref=name#/topic.php?uid=54741423177&topic=7993

Just wrote this for all those who have loved ones with addictions, or who suffer the pain of addiction in their lives.

Just smile at me mom
Cry as part of me and who I am I know
I can see the beauty behind swollen eyes
Walk with me
Out into the world god made for us
Throw out your pills
Fake rounds of sleeping sleep and comfort
Into the water which is real
Real sweet soft comfort
It actually rolls
Rolls if you'll let it
Splashes when you touch it
Surrounds you if you'll take it in
Pour out your sleeping rounds
Onto the surface of something that is real and watch them
False-faced, fabulous for what they are
In your eyes they melt
As much as real comfort pounds them they break apart
Too many lies they tell that they are strong
Blinding with masks of sleepy shadows
Push away their dark reflections
They are but an image of a former self that is not you
But blinds you
Contrast to their black whispers they are weak
Weaker than you
Grab my hand we'll watch them
Drift and drowned
Hold me till your shakings gone
And you can breathe and finally see what I can see
The beauty of the water as it drifts upon your feet.

I love you mom, Love Jess

Jess's Poem She Wrote For Me

Here is a poem Jess wrote for me about our life and our experiences. I think it is absolutely amazing! Thanks for being the best jess. Luv ya tons! (and maybe I should tell you about the blog :) )

ODE TO KAYLA
and the little girl inside her (I was pregnant when she wrote it)

sister sweet little girl
come pick our cherry tree with me
smiling sweet let's bask this day away
your laughter ingnites my laughter
uncontrollable lets just roll with it
I feel bad for hitting the little boy who mad fun of your freckles
but dang it felt good
Moms drunk
go for a walk and cry on me
our life's pathetic I should be sad
but together somehow we think it's funny
let's run away to our secret grassy spot
and yes laugh some more
let's ponder life together
I think the sun see's our smiles and laughter
because somehow the day seems brighter
It's night and my thougthts have caught me
sensing my worried mind
you crawl next to me
wraping your legs around me_ uh annoyance
but somehow it feels good thanks for knowing
pills pills and night thrills
pack our bags again cause moms going away
I've had to many home's to count
but you know everywhere i've been
that's feels better and strangly things are ok
Florida sounds pretty good right now
and moms better heck ya let's go
sunny days, bonfire's, and beaches should make up for
the three people on our floor kissed air mattress
but we've not got it worst
our brother's on the floor and he's pissed
high five i think it's funny to
neighbor's walk by in anger
if you don't like our fire
then don't come around
cause we're gonna burn one down
kayla giggle and throw me the match
boys come and go but mine is leaving
and I'm hurt
let's go float in our pool of misery
which is actually our swimming pool
but it feels pretty good anyway
college comes and i'm sick i've got to leave
you pray and come with me
our grandparent's basement feels well, like hell
except it's cold and thats worse
stop laughing it's not funny this time it's freakin cold
you laugh anyway, jerk
life has it's joys though
four wheel drive and hit the dirt
yep we're lost
P.S I don't think that's supposed to come off the car
aye wisconsins got it's perks
days come and go
3 am and i'm home
pants are wet and you know
tisk, but opps you do it to
we really shouldn't think this is funny seriously
but we do
and things could be worse
and are they later, yep, so whatever
back to the south
punk latin rapper meets ben harper hippi
but somehow we work
except mom just tried to kill you again
you should probably leave
but let me stay i'm in some deep love
and dispite what you say kay
he's not gay
I'd tell you but you don't want to hear
so let's with tears laugh and leave
life's good for a while
but soon it's slew of filth has left us mud clung
I run to you to get clean together
Finding myself i loose others
and faint, cause yes, it's just that sad
he's left me and i'm hurt
you say
dirt loosed you've got the beauty
in and out
to temp any man to hold you closer than him
thanks for handing me the strength
kay
to see a better day
i'm glad on this road of life
we have each other
to pass the time
and ease the way

The drive

Well, when I first found out that my job was moving me to the westgate mall I was happy bc there were more opportunities for sales, but thought "ugh, a 40 min drive to and from work everyday! This is going to suck" The first few times I dreaded the drive. Now I look forward to it! It is my only time just to me. I remember growing up my mom would always complain bc "I cant even go to the bathroom by myself!" I remember plenty a time all the girls (me, jess, and mom) sitting around talking while she took a bath (yes, it was normal to us) Now I realize what she was talking about. Dont get me wrong, I love every second I get to spend with my family. I wish I didnt have to work so much so I could spend even more! The drive is the only time I dont have to hear "mom, I want some" "can I do this" "babe, your turn to change her diaper" or at work "my phone wont blah blah blah" "How do you do this?" "why's my bill so high? (because you picked that plan! dummy) It is my time to blast my music and I get to choose what I want to listen to (If i'm in a crazy mood r&B, calm mood oldies/80's, sentimental mood country, or weird mood spanish) and when I want to change the station. I can call whomever I want, and drive as fast as I want without worrying about my tigaboo in the back. It is my time just for me and I love it!

A mothers quote (not too conventional)

I realize that sometimes my sense of humor may seem rude and/or mean to other people. I really dont mean for it to! I often call good friends biatches and my husband a pendejo but I mean it purely out of love. In fact I never use those words in anger or if I am in a bad mood. If I am not calling you one you can bet I may act nice but am generally not all that fond of you :) Also, I find the most rediculous things extremely funny. One of my favorite quoates from my mom is "Hey, everyone was thinking it, I'm just the only one brave enough to say it!" This was generally used after we all got together and something very crude had come up when you know everyone is thinking something perverted etc. but we are all to grown up to laugh at it or mention the connection to something gross or sexual. Everyone stays quite and then you would here my mom louder than ever exclaiming the obvious. I have carried on this trate and weirdly I love it! It tends to break the ice of akward situations. I miss my mom and her quirky sense of humor too. She always made every thing funny, and everything always had to be an adventure. My life seems admittedly more calm with her gone. I do miss the excitement and the hours of rolling around in laughter that I spent with her. I miss our spontanious adventures. Ok, I have to stop now I am crying at work now. At least they are tears of happiness and remembrence instead of sadness. I guess it does get better with time. Peace out my peeps.