I have no idea.....

So, today I had one of my breakdowns. Well, not really a break down I dont know what you would call it. Basically I supress all my emotions about my mom passing away until I cant take it anymore and I lock myself in my room and just let it all out. I always feel so amazingly better afterwards. I think this one was braught on by me finding out that the expected due date for my new baby is my mom's birthday. It made me feel a mixed emotion of overwhelming sadness and hapiness at the same time. I feel like I need her now more than ever. Not so much to get me through it. I have been pregnant before and she was there to answer all of my gross questions and calm me when I was nervous. I need her now more because I feel so much hapiness about this baby and I want to share it with her. I want her to be there for the birth and to flash the flashlight on my stomach like last time trying to make Katia kick and move away as we all laughed while seeing my stomach look like I had an alien inside me. I want to share my joy with her. As I was crying however (which is hard for me to admit I hate showing and/or telling people about my emotions in general which is probably why they are supressed in the first place and I end up having these crying fits) I felt such comfort. Like she was here, watching over me, telling me that she was going to be there for everything. I love her so much, I miss her and I think about her everyday. Several times a day. I know that she is here with me though. Probably laughing at my stupidity. I am sure the she, my dad, and Marcos' mom all picked out the most special spirit in the world to be sent to us! Now I can't wait to find out if it's a boy or a girl. :)